Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Here goes nothing.

I have heard recently that I should open myself up more on here..hmm what an interesting thought, I mean I only have like what 4 followers one of which is myself..that happened on accident but i decided to keep it because I thought I bet no one else is as weird as me and will follow themselves, so you see that makes me special and in all actuality i have no clue how to undo it not that i would anyways, but also this makes the other 3 that much more special because hey at least i know i have some ppl out there who are somewhat interested in what i have to say.
personally i don't usually like to open up my personal life so that others can read about it or whatever i am a person who keeps to themselves or only opens up to those that I know I can trust, its not like by posting more on myself that i will magically get more readers..well anyways like my title here goes i have said before my family is unique i seriously doubt there is another family out there quite like ours, half the time i don't understand us lol so i seriously doubt you might..I never really knew my dad's parents well my momaw died before i was born and my popaw died when i was like maybe a couple weeks old so i didn't have the chance to know them, i have only known my mother's parents whom i call nanny and grandpa i am very close to them, well more so my grandpa was a hard man to get to know and understand and i think fault lies on both of our parts that we never were really that close,when i was growing up and would go spend the summer there at their house grandpa had his own things to tend to and he was strict but it wasn't overly i knew he loved me but i also knew that it just wasn't something that was said, that's just the sad dose of truth, but also after a falling out of sorts one summer my mom wouldn't let us go back up there so after that we didn't get to see them again for awhile in fact i believe the next time was was after Hurricane Katrina when we were living in Missouri and we went for a visit I was 19 or 20 at the time and i hadn't seen them since i was 11 i think so it was a pretty long time i ended up staying there with them later on that year after my parents went back home so i think on some level i became closer to my grandpa not as close as i would have liked but i still felt like that child who was intimidated by him even though i knew more than likely only good would have come out of me trying more..i still wrote him a note before i left and told him how much i appreciated him and that i loved him i know he was happy about getting it and he told my mother to tell me thank you and that he loved me as well..he kept it hanging over this heart shaped decoration that hung on the wall next to his chair, this is not a happy ending blog..last year in i believe October he was diagnosed with lung cancer and it got worse faster than anyone thought it would in fact it spread to his liver and there was nothing the doctors could do for that, My mother and I went to visit in December since he was in failing health it was difficult to see him like that he was frail and slept all the time which is normal for cancer patients but it shocked me to see a man who i always viewed as so healthy and strong in this condition.( in fact all the people who found out about it later on said he was always the picture of health, you never would have thought it.) we had only been there a few days when he passed away on December the Eighth 2009 that was probably one of the hardest things to accept that he was gone because i had never imagined that i would see that know what it was like to walk through this house that held so many memories of him and he not be there it was eerie and very odd..over the next couple of days we planned the wake and funeral which btw i don't know how i got through going to the funeral home and walking down to the basement to look at caskets so his children and wife could pick out one..nothing has ever given me the heebie jeebies as bad as that, the night of the wake was something that i will never forget to see him lying in the casket up there was unbelievable it took me forever and the support of my younger cousins to walk up to the casket and view him closer..he looked peaceful. There were so many people that showed up, my grandpa had made an impact on several peoples lives, one of the weirdest and most unbelievable things that happened there was when a cousin ( i believe that's what she is to me) leaned against his casket and it wobbled all i can say is omg i almost passed out all i could see was it falling thank goodness it didn't but then after that she actually lifted the little curtain in the casket to see what kind of pants he was wearing..yeah..weirdness..the funeral went well it was sad and the tears finally began falling after this poem the minister read..i had cried before and was trying my best to stay strong for my cousins but after that i just couldn't help it, the burial was beautiful and peaceful it was literally on top of a mountain and they did a military funeral where they played what is called taps and that music played on top of a lonely mountainside cemetery was unlike anything else there is no words to describe the feeling, also one of the oddest things that happened after he died was i got this song stuck in my head called go high on that mountain by Vince Gill and this was before i knew where the cemetery was see i had never been up there before or even heard of where it was, my uncle Wayne is buried up there but unless by my mom and maybe my uncle Rodney he was hardly ever talked about, anyways i also had a dream about my grandpa the night after he passed away and it was like i was looking at him through a window and he looked exactly as i had always known him to look and he had this huge smile on his face he was also wearing this red and black flanneled jacket which he didn't own one apparently BUT the weird thing was one night before he passed away he asked someone for that jacket..spooky, but i remember waking up kinda freaked out after that dream and i told my mom about it and she said more than likely it was his way of saying goodbye and letting me know he was okay.
Death is one of the hardest things that you will ever have to go through and though i had been through it before it wasn't as hard as that and i believe that is because he was my grandpa and i had some regret of not getting to know him as well as i should have, i think that everyone out there should definitely tell the people that are in your lives how much you love them and try your hardest even if you feel like its impossible to get to know them better, don't live with regret. Be thankful that you had the time that you did with them and don't let the anger that you will feel after they have died eat at you they wouldn't want you to feel this way.

Don't take life for granted because one minute that person is here and the next they are gone, even you and as grim as that thought is its true, even if you don't always get along with certain family members make sure they know that you love wont always have the chance to tell them.

what a depressing post right..well i hope that anyone who reads this will take something from it, i know that through this unfortunate lesson i have learned a lot of things and i am thankful for all of the people i have in my life and i love every single one of them even if i don't always say it i hope they know it's true and i have also tried more to say it.


1 comment:

  1. My grandfather was the first death in the family I experienced too. I think I was 9 years old. We got to the funeral home and my mother found out it was open casket. She convinced them to let her, my sister and me in early because she thought we would freak out at the sight of him. We didn't, but I think she did. ;-)